Diary of a New Decade

NEW BLOG!

2011-06-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys!

I know it's been forever since I blogged but I have been super busy writing a book, battling my Starbucks addiction and killing myself in the gym!

Anyway, I have just started a new photo-blog: http://missteephotography.blogspot.com/

Please come and have a look if you have a spare minute. Comments and feedback welcome. And if you like what you see, please follow.

Thank you. S x

To all curvy women out there...

2010-02-28T07:29:00.000-08:00

Whilst reading my favourite on-line news pages the other day, I came across a report titled... Curvy women 'like a drug to male brain'

Apparently "Men can get the same high looking at a woman's hourglass figure as drinking alcohol or taking drugs, new research reveals. According to the US study, looking at a curvaceous figure activates the part of the brain associated with feelings of reward."

There's hope for me yet!!! Yay!

Boo!

2010-02-16T13:10:00.000-08:00

I'm getting a little bit worried because this week I have become increasingly broody. It is not an uncommon emotion for me as I have always known I would like children, but this week it has been more apparent.

I think it must be a combination of:

1. Being surrounded by the offspring of friends and relatives - all the time! Tiny little rug-rats seem to be popping out all over the place.

2. Going shopping in Baby Gap - which is never a good idea. Even if you're not broody, all those cute little outfits suck you in and brainwash you. You can't help but leave wanting a baby just so you can dress it up in little denims and psychedelic tops (they had the most adorable little denim pinafore dress with pink flowers on by the way).

3. Being nearer to 40 than 30 (though shhhh, don't tell anyone!) with a biological clock ticking louder than a jackhammer.

Anyhoo, whatever the reason, I am still a Singleton with no potential baby-daddy on the horizon, so I will just have to make do with my cats!

This is Boo. As surrogate babies go, she quite cute (but very naughty!)

Singles Guide to Valentines

2010-02-10T01:59:00.000-08:00

Over time, it seems to have become a national past time to ridicule and mock Singletons for not having a Valentine on February 14th. To arm against potential scoffing, I bring you...

The Singletons Handbook – A Guide to convincing others that somebody loves you on Valentines Day

(I know that this Valentines actually falls on a Sunday - a non-working day for most people, but I thought I would share anyway!)

1. Ask your boss loudly for Valentines Day off work because you need to be at home to receive all of the flowers and gifts that are going to be delivered during the day.

OR…

2. Be half an hour late for work and then explain to everyone who will listen that it took you that long to climb over the mountain of Valentines that were blocking the front door.

3. Bribe all your friends with cocktails / beer to send you Valentines Cards at work – it may cost you a little more to get them to include gushy love messages, but it is well worth it for authenticity purposes.

4. Buy a bouquet of flowers and have them delivered to work – costly, I know, but flowers are always nice to have around the house anyway.

5. Send yourself text messages so your phone beeps every few minutes – and then when it does beep, tell everyone ‘somebody loves me!’ If anyone wants to see any of said texts, tell them you can’t possibly show them as they are a) far too personal, b) far too explicit or c) contain pictures of naked body parts. This will normally put most people off wanting to look further.

Frappachino and Oxygen please!

2010-02-09T10:50:00.001-08:00

I know I am weak!

Today, I didn't make it past Starbucks without being sucked in! Seriously though, just when I thought ordering a simple drink couldn't get more complicated, it does!

Normally, I have to take a deep breath before plowing into: "I'd like a Venti Caramel Coffee Frappachino Light, no cream, to take away please" Deep breath again before passing out through lack of oxygen. And that's if I'm on my own! It's even more hazardous to my health if I have to order two or more drinks!

Now though, apparently if you want super-smooth drinks you have to ask for them to be double-blended! So from now on...

"I'd like a Venti Caramel Coffee Frappachino Light, no cream, double-blended, to take away... and a tank of oxygen please"!

10 Rules to being Single

2010-02-08T15:12:00.000-08:00

The Singletons Handbook - 10 Rules to being Single

1. It’s OK to be single – the world is not going to come to an end, the Universe is not going to implode, and contrary to popular belief, you are not going to become a social pariah.

2. Never date your boss – it is really, really hard to find another job in this economy when it all goes horribly wrong.

3. Never use the chat-up line ‘Hey babe, why don’t you and I get nipple-to-nipple together?’ – it didn’t work in the movies; it sure as hell isn’t going to work in real life.

4. Never trust ‘profile’ photos when using on-line dating agencies – Photoshop can do wonders nowadays.

5. Always have a ‘Plan B’ get-out clause for bad first date scenarios – that way, if the other person is truly awful, you can jump ship without being stuck there for the duration.

6. Never date a Mother/Daughter, Father/Son combo EVER – do you really want you character / performance compared, analysed and assassinated? Plus, it’s just plain wrong!

7. Never put-out on a first date – controversial I know, but there is definitely something to be said for leaving the other person wanting. Less is, unquestionably, more.

8. It’s OK to ridicule ‘Smug Marrieds’ (overtly loved-up couples who feel the need to display their ‘happiness’ to everyone they meet) - they are probably secretly wishing they were single, just like you.

9. It’s acceptable to say you need the loo and then climb out the window, shinny down the drainpipe and do a runner if your date…

a. Tells you that Katie Price and Alex Read are their relationship inspirations
b. Spends the entire time talking about their cat/dog/budgie/stick insect as if it were their ‘baby’
c. Bursts into tears and tells you they still can’t understand why their ex dumped them for being too emotional
d. Asks you whether you think 5 children is too many and whether you think 4 would be better

10. It’s OK to lust after fictitious TV and Film actors / characters – you have to get your vicarious kicks somewhere.

I dreamed a dream

2010-02-04T05:07:00.000-08:00

I don’t know whether it was seeing the trailer for Supernatural, blogging about Jenson Ackles, or just wishful thinking, but I had a bizarre dream last night. This is what happened…

The dream started with Dean Winchester (swoon) and me driving around an airport car park in his iconic ’67 black Chevy Impala and we were a couple (double swoon) getting ready to go on holiday. There were loads of spaces and Dean couldn’t decide which one to park in (which actually is a subconscious reflection of my inability to do exactly the same thing when faced with too many parking options!). Anyhoo, after re-parking the car four or five times (Dean said he didn’t want his baby to get scratched while we were away!), we head off to the main terminal like any normal couple. On reflection, we didn’t have any luggage… but I guess that’s not really necessary in a dream!

Before we check in, Dean says he needs to get some money so we head off to the Bureau de Change. As we are stood there in the queue, hand in hand (swoon again!), a side door opens and a gnarly looking Hunter appears. Dean tells me not to look at him – don’t make eye contact and maybe he would go away! Nothing was going to stop us going on holiday. Apparently we deserved a rest after dispatching a particularly troublesome evil-doer back to the pits of hell. After a lot of frantic waving and weird hissing noises trying to get our attention, we decide we better go and see what the old goat wants. Gnarly Hunter says he needs our help with a tiny problem – shouldn’t take too long, then we could be on our way. What the hell, we thought. He takes us down a corridor and through another door.

Shuffling down another corridor towards us is Joe Shmo (general office dude) in a kind of weird zombie-type state with a blob of weird luminescent green goop on his left shoulder. Doesn’t sound too scary – right? Gnarly Hunter explains that we need to save Joe from the green blob before it sucks all the good out of him and turns him into a mindless soul sucking un-dead monster. No pressure then! Never one to back away from a challenge we agree to help – and suddenly are armed with an impressive array of weaponry. Don’t ask where they came from… it’s a dream… artistic licence is allowed! Just then I notice that Dean has been slimed with the green goo on his left shoulder, and after looking at my own shoulder, so have I. Gnarly Hunter tells us that he has infected us to ensure that we succeed in figuring out how to kill the blob. Nice! I wanted to take out Gnarly Hunter there and then for being a sneaky SOB but Dean said that would have to wait so I pointed my finger at him menacingly and told him I would be back to kick his arse. I’m totally intimidating, right?!

We follow Joe down the corridor and right into a kind of coffee lounge where there are about 8 or 9 other office staff, all with the green slime on their left shoulders. Before we could do anything though, Joe turns around and looks straight at us before doing a weird convulsing, shuddery thing. Then, without warning (which is quite rude I thought) his face melts off (I know, gross, right?), and what’s left is oozing mush with a set of snapping teeth and two beady, glowing red eyes. Mushy Joe then comes flying towards us all bitey-teeth and razor-sharp claw-hands. Dean and I are about to pump him full of rock-salt when a weird churning, spluttering, choking noise stops everyone in their tracks. Even Mushy Joe looks around confused. Chug, chug, splutter, thuppppp, urrrrrrrr, splutter, chuuuuuuuuuug (that’s my attempt at an impression of the noise!) What the…? I recognised the noise – but could I place it?!

That’s when I work up and realised the ‘chug, chug, splutter, thuppppp, urrrrrrrr, splutter, chuuuuuuuuuug’ was indeed a noise I am unfortunately very familiar with. It’s nextdoors crappy, ancient, diesel car which goes through the same spluttery routine trying to start every morning at 6.30!

So, here I am left with the memory of a hot boyf and a load of unanswered questions:

What was that green goop?
Did we survive the attack from Mushy Joe?
Did Dean and I save ourselves from the green goop on our shoulders?
Did I get to kick Gnarly Hunters arse (he seriously deserved it!)

And most importantly...

Where were we going on holiday???

I heart Jenson!

2010-02-03T09:52:00.000-08:00

I believe that, fundamentally, we all find a particular ‘type’ of person attractive - whether that be physical or behavioural characteristic types.

Me… I find tall, broad shouldered men with short dark hair and piercing eyes incredibly sexy. And if they happen to have authority and a strong sense of right and wrong all the better. Throw in some brooding vulnerability, kick-ass fight moves and some serious demon slaying and I’m in seventh heaven! Step forward Dean Winchester from Supernatural (aka the lust-worthy Jenson Ackles)! As the original tag-line said… Scary just got sexy! For those who live under a rock, I present you with Exhibit A – Delightful Dean:

So, imagine my joy when I saw the trailers for the brand new serious starting next week – Wednesday nights will not be the same again! Jenson looks as gorgeous as ever and Jared isn’t looking too shabby either – even if Sam did release Lucifer at the end of the last season!

I was still indulging myself in all things Jenson when my evening was completed less than an hour later by a trailer for another new series starting season two this month… True Blood.

OH… MY… GOD!

After choking on my marmite multi-seed bagel, and rewinding the trailer several times (thank God for Sky+), I find myself in a tad of a dilemma! How can a simple haircut make Alexander Skarsgard who plays Eric Northman (the Vampire ‘Sheriff’) so much hotter than in Season One???!!! I give you Exhibit B – Evil Eric:

OK, He's hot right? I mean, I'm not imagining it?

So herein lies my dilemma. He ticks the short hair, tall, broad and brooding categories, but BLOND! And, let’s not forget, evil undead bloodsucker with scant regard for human life! And did i mention... BLOND! Not my usual type at all - yet... totally crush-worthy in a malevolent, wicket sort of way!

Yes... I know, it's just TV - these people are not real! But as I am a sad singleton I am allowed to live vicariously though friends and lust after fictitious TV and film characters. It says so in the 'Sad Singletons Handbook' - or it would, if there was such a thing!

Hmmm. Perhaps that could be my next writing project...!

Pinch, Punch, First of the Month

2010-02-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe we are now in February! Where the hell did January go?

For the second week running I made it to the gym FOUR times – I’m seriously on a roll now! Apparently you have to do something for 29 days for it to become a habit so I figure if I can stick with it for two more weeks I’ll be sorted! Well, that’s what I’m trying to convince myself anyway! I am very proud of my self because last week I heard ‘The Call of Starbucks’ and resisted! The voice pleaded but I said “No, Caramel Coffee Frappachino Light, No. I resist you and all your creamy loveliness. I will not cave at this first challenge – I will be strong!” Hearing the resolve in my tone, the voice of Starbucks resigned itself to failing on this occasion and turned its attention to the couple walking behind me. I don’t know if they caved as I was scuttling away quickly before my resolve weakened – which it does quite regularly! I was smug in my triumphantness!

With everything that has happened in January and with all the junk and convenience food I have eaten (plus fewer gym trips – due to the snow [honest]!), I am quite surprised that I have still managed to loose some weight. A whole 4lbs no less! OK, so it’s not much – but it’s a start… and looking at it philosophically, much better than putting 4lbs on. This month I am aiming to lose 7lbs which will take me to less than I weighed before Christmas – now that I would be pleased with.

Gran put up one hell of a fight after her Stroke (which she had just before New Year), but unfortunately lost the battle last week and passed away on Tuesday. The hospital was great with Gran and two Staff Nurses in particular were always there with support and kindness (Jane and Helen, I thank you). My friends have been fantastic and have been so thoughtful with all their messages of condolences and best wishes. The other day, I bumped in to an acquaintance of my Mum and Dad’s and he very kindly said ‘I’m sorry that you lost you Gran’. I’m sure he was not expecting me to laugh, which I did, but it reminded me of a conversation that I had with Gran not to long ago and I couldn’t help but chuckle. We had both agreed that to refer to someone dieing as ‘losing’ them or in this case ‘lost you Gran’ seemed like such a funny thing to say. It sounds like you put the person down somewhere and now you’ve forgot what you’ve done with them! I tried to explain to Mum and Dad’s friend, but I think I just sounded like a loony so in the end I graciously thanked him for his kindness and ran away quickly!

I’ll miss you Gran – Saturday mornings will never be the same again!

The call of the Starbucks

2010-01-24T12:53:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I last posted - but don't panic, it's not because the gym had done me in!

I've been four times in the last week - yes... that's FOUR times! Unfortunately, my food consumption has not been quite so good :-(. I'm tying, but the pasta and cheese and Starbucks Caramel Coffee Frappachino light's keep calling to me. I keep trying to convince myself that because it has the word 'light' in the name, the frappachino 'must' be good for me! When I went shopping the other day, I was walking through town and this is what happened...

Mystery Voice: "Cooey... I say, Cooey... you with the smuggy look coz you just got a new pair of boots in the sale"

Me: "Excuse me??? Are you talking to me?"

Mystery Voice: "Yes, you, smuggy. Where do you think you going?"

Me: "To buy more boots"

Mystery voice: "No you're not! Come to me! You know you want me! You know you need me! You cannot live without me!"

Me: "Who are you?"

Mystery Voice: "I am your Starbucks Caramel Coffee Frappachino Light - you want to buy me right now or you might die of dehydration - RIGHT NOW I say!"

Me: "Oh, OK then!"

And off I went - I'm such a pushover! So easy! And clearly a cheap date!

Not dead... yet!

2010-01-18T15:25:00.000-08:00

Can't type........

Can't move arms......

The gym is trying to kill me......

Seriously, can you pull something in your boobs??????

(Thanks for the supportive message Kate - it makes me feel a little bit better that there are other going through the same pain that I am!)

Hell Week - Again!

2010-01-17T14:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not quite sure how I managed to post something that actually made sense after Thursday nights drinking session with the girls! I'm even more surprised that it actually made sense!

I think all the girls had a good time - although the next day there were a few nervous texts to make sure the photographs of the 'boobies' didn't end up on Facebook!! It has also been universally accepted that my mulled wine has some kick to it - at 3.50 in the morning I woke up with fireworks exploding in my head and a colossal craving for orange juice. I'm very lucky because I don't normally suffer from hangovers but the aftermath of the wine on this occasion was persistent and relentless. I must have looked bad - even on Friday afternoon at the hospital (when we were visiting Gran), my Mum kept trying to force feed me paracetamol and diet coke!

This weekend seems to have come and gone in a blur of shopping, snoozing and visiting Gran, but at least the snow has gone and I have been able to get the car out of the garage. The only problem I have now is that I have absolutely no excuses left for not going to the gym. I am therefore preparing for 'Hell Week 2' - back to the gym, back on the diet and back looking for another job! No Excuses. No exemptions. No free passes. THIS IS IT!!!

If you don't hear from me again it's because I had a heart attack on the treadmill, hit the conveyor belt, went flying off the back and got run over by one of the exercise bikes! Although, I guess, a couple of broken bones would be another excuse for not going!!!

A little bit squiffy!

2010-01-14T15:27:00.000-08:00

I admit it! I am a little bit squiffy - which is why I have had to delete 2 posts so far this evening because I have managed to 'post' before actually writing anything. One I actually managed to publish with only half a title! Ho hum!

I've had the girls round tonight and we have got through copious amounts of my 'special recipe' mulled wine. That would be the one with crap-loads of brandy in it! Anyhoo, we have now put the world to rights, bitched about all ex (and in some cases, current) boyfriends, exchanged clothes and shoes, swapped belated Christmas (and birthday gifts), eaten and drunk shed loads and generally had a bloody good time!

Unfortunately one of our group couldn't make it, but made the mistake of sending a text saying that she expected loads of 'drunk-texting'. Not ones to disappoint, all of us sent her individual pictures of... well lets just say, they weren't quite pornographic but did involve boobs! By her response, I think she was quite impressed by our artistic talents!

The main topic of conversation was, of course, boys! Within the present group, 2 are married, 2 are in long term, loved up relationships and then there is me - the lonely singleton! How depressing! Actually, I take that back - I have had way to much mulled wine to be depressed! One of my guests is thinking of setting me up with one of her friends, one definitely thinks I'm better of single and, I think, the remainder would like to see me hooked up! After a lengthy debate about 'what my problem is', I think the consensus was that I have been single so long I would find it difficult to be in a proper, full on, relationship! So, apparently, I'm a lost cause and should just give up now! :-(

One of my guests asked me what my ideal man would be like, and I really had to stop and think - but this is what I came up with:

1. Someone who can make me laugh. Jesus Christ - if your going to spend your entire life with someone, they damn well better keep things amusing!

2. Someone who can put me in my place. I need someone who is going to tell me to shut the hell up when I'm talking bollocks!

3. Someone that looks like a cross between Sam Worthington (him off Avatar and Terminator Salvation), Jenson Ackles (him of Supernatural) and Dominic Purcell (the older brother in Prison Break). I'm having a hot flush just thinking about it!

4. Someone that's got their own teeth. Call me crazy but this is somewhat of a necessity! I used to say that I wanted someone with their own hair, but I actually quite like the bald'ish thing (see Dominic Purcell) - as long as they don't have anyone elses hair (definitely no weaves!) I'm ok.

5. Someone who is taller than me. At 5'9" I'm quite tall so I would look a tad daft next to a squitty little fella!

6. Someone who is financially stable. No spongers need apply.

See, not fussy at all! I can't understand why my friends think I'm being picky!

Well, the mulled wine is still coursing through my veins, and the poor old spell checker is going into overdrive trying to decipher my drunken typing so I think it's time for bed.

But before I go, one question to all my lovely followers - just how are you supposed to meet the ideal man????? Answers on a postcard please...

Oh... and my head's beginning to really hurt!

The aliens are coming!

2010-01-12T13:18:00.000-08:00

I admit it! With Christmas, New Year and my Gran being in hospital, I have not been to the gym in a little while. I am finding it increasingly difficult to get motivated into going again regularly and the cold snowy weather has not exactly increased my enthusiasm either! In fact, I think it would be fair to say that I have lost my Gym Mojo :-(

It therefore cheered me up no end to find out that I was certainly not the only person in this predicament. Whilst checking out my favourite news website, I stumbled upon the following gem…

One of Britain’s biggest health clubs has got into trouble with customers after they introduced advertising posters which suggested that "fatties" would be eaten first by aliens! The posters featured a green alien and read: "Advance health warning! When the aliens come, they will eat the fatties first."

Designed to tempt those who had put on a few extra pounds over Christmas back to the gym, they have now said "We do not intend to cause any offence to anyone."

So the aliens aren't going to eat the fatties first??? Phew! That's a relief! I was getting a tad worried there for a minute!!!

The Darwin Awards

2010-01-11T14:26:00.000-08:00

So after reflecting on my sheer stupidity yesterday, I couldn’t help but draw comparisons to the hapless folk nominated for a Darwin Award.

For the uninitiated, there are two groups of Darwin Awards. The first, and main, category is for people who are so monumentally stupid that they improve the gene pool by permanently removing themselves from it! The second, and lesser known category, is for the ‘At-Risk’ survivors. Those who are just as immensely brainless, but manage to avoid death… just!

The following are a few of my favourites:

In 1998, a foolish idiot decided it would be a hoot to use a makeshift sledge to career down a ski run at 3am. He made the sledge from yellow foam that he stole from the base of one of the lift tower legs. The foams actual purpose is to stop skiers from injuring themselves should they be unfortunate enough to get up close and personal with said lift tower leg. As foam is not universally known for being manoeuvrable, our idiot was unable to avoid a tower leg. Normally, as I have said, the foam would have cushioned our idiots impact – but as this just happened to be the very same lift tower leg that he had ‘half-inched’ the foam from in the first place, he crashed and died! ‘Aint karma a bitch!

In 2008, an equally dim-witted fellow (with multiple body piercings) decided it would be a corker of an idea to connect an electronic control tester to his nipple piercings. His colleagues tried to persuade him that this was, in no way, a good idea but he was adamant that it would be ‘fun’. After connecting two alligator clips to the metal nipple rings, he hit the test button. Neither his colleagues nor the emergency services were able to save him.

I’m not sure about the date on this last one… A group of men got very drunk in a small-town bar. To walk home they had to cross a small bridge that spanned a deep ravine. One of our intrepid drunkards decided it would be a peach of an idea to bungee jump of the bridge. He found something to use as rope, he even remembered to tie one end to his legs and the other to the bridge. To much cheering from his ‘mates’, he launched himself over the side. The police who investigated his death commented that the use of solid steel cabling instead of stretchy elastic rope was probably a major factor in his demise!

Somehow, I feel so much better about myself now!!!

I'm such a spanner!

2010-01-10T11:53:00.000-08:00

I'm not a mean or cruel person, so I can understand why my cat's want to use the warm, comfortable, inside litter tray rather than crapping outside in the snow. After all, I wouldn't want them to get their backsides stuck solid to the ground whilst relieving themselves; nor would I want them to get freezer burn in their 'delicate' places. However, no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to be able to train them to use the air freshener - so after Boo's morning constitutional, it was a necessity to light the beautiful scented candle in the lounge. Fortunately it wasn't long before the air was filled with more acceptable warm caramel scents.

I left the house at lunchtime and spent the afternoon visiting Gran in hospital. After a cuppa with Mum and Dad I got back home at about 6pm. Walking up the drive in the pitch black, I couldn't help but wonder why there was a warm orange glow showing through the lounge window... It was a a few seconds before that 'oh crap' moment hit me! I had left an open flame burning in the house all afternoon. Sure my house smelt beautiful, but seriously - I'm a complete doughnut!

I can imaging the insurance conversation would go:

"Miss Tee, after serious consideration, our organisation has decided to reject your insurance application. It feels that your house would not have burnt to a crispy pile of nothingness had you not been a complete spanner and left a naked flame burning unattended for hours. We would like to advise you that lighting a candle to disguise the noxious smell of cat poop is not considered acceptable mitigating circumstances. Thank you for your interest in our company."

Fortunately, disaster was averted on this occasion and I was lucky. Now, I would not normally consider myself a forgetful person, but this is not for the first time I have been fortunate...

Twice I have left my hair straighteners switched on all day on the pine dressing table - luckily the worst thing that happened was 2 light 'V' shaped scorch marks. thankfully my love of clutter has managed to hide the marks from general view!

On another occasion I came home from work one day and thought there was a bit of a breeze whipping through the house - I had left the patio doors wide open! I might as well have put up a neon sign reading 'To all burglars - Open House. Help Yourself!'

One other time, I left one of the hobs on simmer after I cooked dinner. I only realised the next morning when I was emptying the dishwasher. I bent down to put a pan away in the draw under the hob and nearly set fire to my hair!

Let this be a lesson to us all!!!

The Spud of Love

2010-01-09T13:49:00.001-08:00

My Mum found this heart-shaped new potato when she was cooking dinner last night. I'm calling it 'The Spud of Love'!

I've also started a second photo-blog of amateur pictures taken with my Nokia N95phone: http://photoswithmyphone.blogspot.com/

Apologies to non-Celeb Big Brother fans

2010-01-08T15:43:00.000-08:00

Vinnie... Vinnie... Vinnie... What are you doing???

Where is the Vinnie Jones of old that we all know and love? Where is the hard man of football and film???

So far on Celeb BB you have washed up (a lot), cleaned up after the others (even more), set up a bird table to entice a robin into the garden, gossiped with Stephanie and 'retired' to bed early. WTF????

Vinnie... So your 45 years old now. So what? You need to let that sexy inner bad-boy out a bit!

Here's some things you might like to think about - they're just suggestions:

1) Kick the crap out of Jonas 'girly lover boy' Basshunter's snowman

2) Steal Sisqo's 'Hunk-off' gold crown and beat it into a nugget with a baseball bat

3) Crush Stephen 'Preacher' Baldwin's goolies 'a la gazza'

4) Hide Sovs baseball cap

5) Wedgie annoying Alex 'Mr Jordan' Reid by the mankini

Man up!!!

Whatever - I still love you!

One last thing... It's been emotional!

Remarkably unremarkable

2010-01-07T14:50:00.000-08:00

The biggest pain in the arse about being made redundant is not the thought that the company that you have shed blood, sweat and tears for for god knows how long doesn't love you any more... nor is it the lack of wage packet or the ponderings of how your going to pay the mortgage... it's not even the gazillion brain cells that die off every day because they are not being exercised regularly...

No! The biggest pain in the arse about being made redundant is... having to sign-on! :-( And today was even worse - with all the snow and ice, severe weather warnings and the police advising you not to travel unless you absolutely have to, the Employment Service still expect you to be able to get to their office 15 miles away or you don't get your allowance. With my car still incarcerated in the garage (I can't even open the garage door with all the snow), Dad offered to take me into town to do the dreaded deed. So I get there and the first thing they say is that my advisor has disappeared and they don't know where he is - oh joy! Perhaps he was stuck in a snow drift somewhere! The next thing is that I overhear two members of staff talking about another members of staff who live in the same village as me who couldn't get into work... because of the weather. So their staff can't get in, but if I can't, they stop my allowance? That seems a tad unfair to me - or am I just being panickity???

So, eventually, my wayward advisor finally saunters into the office like he has all the time in the world and this is how the conversation goes...

Advisor: Did you get here alright?

Me: No! My Dad had to bring me in.

Advisor: So what have you done to find a job?

Me: Thanks for acknowledging my epic struggle to cross ice sheet and snowdrift, braving arctic blizzards and freezing temperatures. I appreciate your concern for my well being. (* OK - so that's what I would have said had I got any balls! What I actually said was something about checking websites, sending out some speculative letters etc.)

Advisor: Anything else?

Me: Well I'm setting up my own business as well.

Advisor: Oh...

Me: (trying to fill a bit silent gap) Yes, I'm working on my business but still looking at job vacancies as well...

Advisor: Oh... Well... That's it... See you in a couple of weeks if you haven't found work.

Me: Oh... OK... Bye then.

And that was it! All that effort for 3 minutes of scintillating conversation with a bloke that was as interested in me as vegetarian would be in a pork chop.

A random extra...

2010-01-06T16:18:00.000-08:00

Last night whilst lying in bed I was thinking about the repatriation ceremony in town to mark the return of our dead soldiers and it reminded me of a poem I wrote years ago in school. I couldn't remember exactly how it went so I dug it out:

War.

It only takes one person
You only need one word
And a Nation cannot believe
What it is that it’s just heard.

The man who makes the decision
Thinks of only gain
But not a thought is spared
For the soldier and his pain.

It’s easy for that man
To sit in his leather chair
Because he doesn’t feel the thoughts
That the soldier has to bear.

A mother prays for her son
With sorrow in her heart
Knowing someday soon
That they will be apart

But the man, he knows he’s safe
As fathers and sons die
And not a thought is wasted
As mothers stand and cry.

So tell me if you can,
What is the point of war?
The fighting and the killing
Tell me please that there’s no more.

There's snow business like snow business...

2010-01-06T15:49:00.000-08:00

So, I need to eat my words. YES! It snowed... a lot. I couldn't even get the car out of the garage, which sadly meant no gym. I could have walked I suppose, but it was still snowing and very, very cold. It would be OK walking there but after getting hot a sweaty at the gym (sweaty hair sticking out at all angles and bright red face is soooo not a good look), walking back isn't much fun! My sweaty fringe would probably have frozen into dodgy hairsicles. Again, not a good look.

On the plus side, there is something quite appealing about being the first person to make footprints in fresh snow and when I had donned coat, scarf, gloves and noodle warmer (a beanie hat I 'acquired' from my best friends husband), I ran around outside my house like a big kid before anyone else got to defile my fresh snow canvas! ;-)

OK - now for my rant of the day... My brand new blu-ray player (with 4 free discs - result!) was delivered yesterday but I didn't have time to open it until today. What ever happened to buying a piece of electrical equipment and just being able to plug the damn thing in! NO! Now you have to have a degree in electrical engineering or something to be able to understand how to connect things! And when you do eventually give up and RTFM (read the f'ing manual) you can't understand that either! PLUS... if that wasn't enough, when you finally think you can understand the picture showing you where the HDMI cable goes and where the OPTICAL cable goes, you notice the little wording underneath that says: (not supplied)! I mean, what the hell is all that about??? Even if you are genius enough to understand how to plug it in, you can't coz you've got no cables! It's a swiz! Either that or it's a conspiracy by the cable making companies to get you to spend even more money to buy their products. So, there it sits. No use to mice nor men. Nothing more than a dust catching nicknack. Waiting for the cables it so badly needs to achieve it's purpose in life...

Bring on the snow!

2010-01-05T12:37:00.001-08:00

This morning I had the same problem as yesterday with the lock on my garage door but it has now been solved - I broke it! I know hitting it with a rock probably wasn't a good idea given that it was frozen solid but it seemed like a good idea at the time!

It was cardio day at the gym today - and I think it was even more difficult than yesterday! Driving home I saw the plane carrying our latest fallen hero coming in to land at Lyneham. I've stopped going to the repatriations in town - not because I don't wish to pay my respects to the returning soldiers and their family's, but because, unfortunately, it has turned in to a media circus. I wish the news reporters would just leave the town and the family's alone now. With all the talk of a Muslim march through Wootton Bassett, the amount of media seems to have tripled. Feelings and emotions are running very high and I fear that if police allow the march to go ahead, there will be trouble - something that Wootton Bassett does not want, warrant nor deserve.

My Big Bro arrived this afternoon and we went to visit Gran at the hospital. Although she is 'stable' she does not look good at all - in fact she was practically unresponsive for most of the time we were there. She has had a new CT scan and the results should be in tomorrow.

Everyone is buzzing over the supposed snow storm we are going to have tonight. Completely unaccustomed to such things, the Met Office has gone totally overboard and issued severe weather warnings. Half the schools have already made the decision to close tomorrow and we've only had a few flakes so far! Talk about an over reaction! I might have to eat my words tomorrow if I wake up to a white-out, but somehow I doubt it!

I know yesterday I said I was going to give Celeb BB another look-see but my Sky+ crapped out and failed to record it! Seen as how it's on every night I will try again tonight - if it fails to record again, I'll take it as a sign and give it up as a bad lot!

Died and gone to Hell!

2010-01-04T14:12:00.001-08:00

Today has been full of challenges:

Challenge Number One - Getting out of bed! It was freezing this morning and with the window open my bedroom was like the arctic circle. Well, OK, I'm probably exaggerating a little bit, but you get the gist! Most of me was toasty under my beloved duvet but my head was not and after failing to stifle a yawn, my top lip cracked right down the middle :-(. Still, I eventually managed to persuade my limbs to move and made it out of bed!

Challenge Number Two - Making the effort to go to the gym! Yes, I know, no pain, no gain and all that, but after 2 weeks of not going over Christmas and all the alcohol, chocolates, Turkish delights (yum) and other general naughtiness, it was definitely a challenge!

Challenge Number Three - Getting the car out of the garage! See, I told you it was cold. The lock on the garage door had frozen solid and I couldn't even get the key in, let alone turn the damn thing. Now with a very strong excuse for not going to the gym, my will to go was dwindling fast. Still, it's a good job I have some fairly persistent will-power and with some hot water and a little patience, I managed to break my baby out of the garage and 'sadly' made it to the gym.

Challenge Number Four - Surviving the weights and treadmill! What can I say other than... OH MY GOD - I think I have died and gone to Hell! The one good thing was that I got to see the lovely Dan (one of the two fitness instructors) today - and when I say 'lovely', it's only because he wasn't training me today. If he had been I would have referred to him as the 'spawn of Satan'!

The rest of the day was spent doing chores and tidying around the house - oh, the excitement! I didn't go to see Gran today - Dad said there was little change from yesterday. Mum and Dad are going to a funeral tomorrow afternoon so I said I would go and visit then. I think Big Bro will be coming to visit as well so it will be good to see him again. We seem to go ages without seeing each other and then loads in the last couple of weeks. It's been good though - we get on well :-)

Think I might give Celeb Big Brother another go tonight - see whether it's worth watching going forward... I won't hold my breath!

Celeb BB... Love it or hate it???

2010-01-03T15:28:00.000-08:00

OK, so here's the thing... I was so busy watching Celeb BB on Sky+ and panicking about 'Hell Week' starting tomorrow (see yesterdays entry!) that I completely forgot that I am supposed to be keeping a diary and tootled off to bed! There I was, toasty and comfortable under the thickest tog duvet you can buy on earth (I sleep with the windows open so a warm bed is a must!), trying to think about nice things to put me off to sleep (like Sam Worthington), when it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't put fingers to keys about today's events. I have to say that after briefly thinking about the lack of excitement today, the thought of staying in bed and thinking 'what the hell...' was very appealing. But, then I thought about Goal Number One - Keeping a diary and, well, the part of me that said 'get your lazy arse back out of bed and keep on track with at least one goal' only marginally won out against the nagging voice that was humming 'mmmm warm and toasty' over and over again.

So here I am, god damn it! Back out of bed and desperately thinking of something to write!

The Christmas decs came down this morning and the house looks extremely bare. Mum says she likes it when she takes theirs down because it looks clean and uncluttered. I say - bring on the clutter! I like clutter! Tidy is so overated! Fear not though - it won't take long for me add more mess, muddle and general untidiness!

The rest of the day has become somewhat routine now - lunch with Mum and Dad and then off to the hospital to see Gran who is still very poorly with peeks of extremely high blood pressure and heart rate. She slept most of the time we were there and when she was awake she was not strong enough to communicate. The most encouraging thing is that she knows who we all are and seems appreciative of all the goodwill messages that Dad passed on from friends and family.

For a little excitement I changed variety of soup this evening! Tonight's gastronomic extravaganza was homemade mushroom and spinach soup. It looks like someone sneezed in a bowl but is actually quite delicious!

I managed to catch up on the two holiday episodes of Doctor Who and felt like a right div when I shed a little tear as David Tennant regenerated into whoever the hell it is that has taken over from him! That's why I was watching Celeb BB on Sky+, which actually worked out quite well given that I could fast forward through all the shitey bits. The jury is still out as to whether I will continue to watch, but I have to say, watching all eleven of them squeezing into a Mini decorated as a devil was mildly entertaining. Actually, I thought the car was rather cool - I wouldn't mind one myself! My first day prediction on the winner... Vinnie Jones. I'm not putting my life savings on it though - I'm not very good at predicting anything!

There we have it. A pretty uneventful day all round - tomorrow though... the gym - argh!!!!

Back to bed to dream about happy things... and Sam Worthington!!!

Is Russell Brand Sexy?

2010-01-02T13:58:00.000-08:00

So, social dilemma of the day... is it rude to ignore strange women when they knock on your door on a Saturday morning? Well, as I wasn't dressed and I didn't know them, I didn't answer - or perhaps the truth is that I just couldn't be arsed to put some clothes on and go down stairs! Either way, I can't decide if it was rude or not!

Had lunch with Mum and Dad and went to see Gran this afternoon. After some improvement yesterday, Gran seems to have taken a down turn today :-(. She had the oxygen mask back on, plus the sensor on her finger and a blood pressure monitor. She's also got a chest infection so they have given her some antibiotics as well. Amanda, the Ward Manager explained that she might have her ups and downs so we can but hope that she will have a better day tomorrow.

This evening I have tried to cut down on the amount I'm eating so I had home-made vegetable soup and a toasted bagel - followed by some low fat custard. I now have NO bad food in the house in preparation for what I am affectionately going to refer to as 'Hell Week' which starts on Monday. Not only does my healthy eating start again in absolute earnest, but I will make my return to the gym after having two weeks off. Man, that is gonna hurt!!!

This evening I watched The Big Fat Quiz of the Year and it made me laugh - a lot - which I think I needed after the last few days. I know I really shouldn't, because he is such a dirty dog (and dresses like a street tramp), but I think there is something just a little bit sexy about Russell Brand. Warped, I know - especially as I normally go for rugby player types... but what can you do???!!!

A Brave New World.

2010-01-01T13:43:00.000-08:00

Well... here we are! A new year and a new decade and, along with about a gazillion other people, I have decided to try out a 'double whammy'! Not only is this my first ever blog but also my first ever attempt at keeping a diary. I'm not even quite sure why I am keeping a diary yet but perhaps it's because the start to this year is so different from most other ones so far.

I don't believe in New Year Resolutions - which is quite fortunate otherwise I would have broken one already and we're not even 24 hours in to 2010 yet! After all, all that happens with Resolutions is that you make rash decisions based on too much alcohol on New Years Eve and then when it all goes tits-up you end up just feeling pants about failing so quickly! No... I have decided to buck tradition and say 'no' to the Resolutions and have decided to set Goals instead. So...

Goal Number 1 - Set up a blog and keep a diary. Well I've made a start so things are going well so far!

Goal Number 2 - Loose the half stone in weight that I have managed to accumulate over the Christmas and New Year period. Not the best of starts on this one as I have just had the most humongous curry with my Mum and Dad, Big Brother (BB) and Sister in Law (SIL)! Too stuffed for words now.

I'm sure some more goals will materialise along the way...

So how has the first day of 2010 been? Having been a miserable bitch and in a god-awful mood yesterday, I decided not to inflict others with my terrible company and chose to spend New Years Eve at home on my own (well, with the 2 moggies actually) so this morning there was no hangover, and better still, no drunken antics to apologise for or explain! The worst thing at the moment is that my Gran (who is 94 and up until a few days ago was still going strong) suffered a stroke on the 30th December and is currently on the Stroke ward of our local hospital. After a very poor day yesterday, she seems to have picked up a little today and was awake and aware for some periods. Although not always clear, she is trying to communicate which is a good thing. BB and SIL drove up to visit as well, hence the family curry this evening. I feel sorry for Dad - having gone through exactly the same thing with his own Dad, seeing his Mum in a similar state must be very difficult for him. He looks tired.

One of the biggest reasons I have never kept a diary before is because I always thought I would run out of things to say - which is still a distinct possibility by the way! And I'm really not sure why I am keeping a blog as I'm sure my ramblings are of no interest to anyone else, but I thought it would be the easiest way to bring my thoughts together. Anyhoo, I thought that on the days that I might not have anything to say, I could run with a few minimum bits of information:

Current Weight: 15 stone, 6 and 3/4 pounds*
Highlight of the day: Having dinner with the family
Low point of the: Gran being poorly
Emotion: A little bit sad

* This is to help with Goal Number 2 and will only be noted on the first of each month. Just to put this figure into perspective, even putting on the half stone, I have still lost over 10 stone since my heaviest.